


Panic

by Lenkia



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies), The Hunger Games (Movies) RPF
Genre: Abuse, Accidents, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Alternate Universe - No Hunger Games, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Attempted Sexual Assault, Beating, Blood and Violence, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Bruises, Crying, Cupcakes, Dark, Depression, Dry Humping, Explicit Consent, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Falling In Love, First Crush, First Kiss, First Time Blow Jobs, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Forgive Me, Forgiveness, Friends to Lovers, Guilt, Heartbreak, Illnesses, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, Jealousy, Kissing, Love, Making Out, Mental Breakdown, Minor Character Death, Murder, One Shot, Oral Sex, Panic, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Rough Kissing, Rumors, Sexual Content, Sick Character, Skipping Class, Smut, Summer, Summer Romance, Swearing, Swimming, Touching, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 03:44:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16485305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lenkia/pseuds/Lenkia
Summary: Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark finally decide to turn their friendship into a loveable relationship. And they have the whole summer break for themselves.A lot can happen during a summer break.





	Panic

**Author's Note:**

> This story is played in a Universe with no Hunger Games, so I assume that Katniss is more laid back and more "teenage" like, since she doesn't have to worry about her or Prim dying every damn year.
> 
> THIS STORY CONTAINS ATTEMPTED RAPE/NON-CON AND OTHER EXPLICIT ELEMENTS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! READ THE TAGS!

**Present time, August 26th**

“Katniss, hurry up already! We’re going to be late for school.”

I keep looking into space, the sheets covered around me like a second skin as I can’t help but shiver, even if the house itself is about to melt. I swallow down the dry saliva in my mouth, my eyes wide as balls as I think of a lie. Something to keep me away from school, the news and  _ him.  _ But I can’t be absent from school one more day, nor the news and not even him. There was nothing I can do. I’m stuck in this nightmare we created.  _ I  _ created only one month from now.

“Katniss, are you okay?” I close my eyes hard, thinking of something to say but all I can hear is the news that was said at the Hob. 

_ “Haven’t you heard?”,  _ Greasy Sae had said giving out her soup to the people. _ “Rumors go that Peacekeeper Cray is dead!”  _ I had looked up at the old women with wide eyes, the bowl of soup I held in my hands landing on the ground as I felt panic hit me.  _ “They found his body in the containers right when it was about to be- Katniss, sweetheart, are you alright?” _

“Katniss?”

“Coming!”, I suddenly scream, sitting up. Taking in a shaky breath as I tried to calm myself down. 

I need to speak with him today.

  
  


**_June 14th_ **

_ “Peeta, I told you to not bring anything!”, I said happily, snatching the brown bag from him as he laughed at my outburst. “You’re gonna get yourself in trouble.” I opened up the door wider and he walked in with a smirk.  _

_ “Well, the damage is done. My mother didn’t notice a thing.” I take out the colorful cupcakes from the bag, hurrying myself to the kitchen to put them on a plate. Before I thank him, Prim comes out from our room happily, like she could smell sugar the moment it came into the house. _

_ “Hey Peeta! What are you doing here?”, she smiled as she reached her hand after a cupcake.  _

_ “He’s here to celebrate-  _ don’ttouchthat- _ ”, I say, smacking her hand. “-because school is finished-” _ _   
_ _ “-and me and Katniss have been friends for a year now!”, Peeta said as he put an arm around my shoulder. I freeze, blushing madly as both Peeta and Prim laughed. “One year ago, Katniss came up to me with a dandelion, blushing like a little schoolgirl-” _

_ “-I  _ was _ a little schoolgirl!-” _

_ “-and shook saying; T-thanks for t-the bread- Oufh!”, Peeta grunted loudly as I hit him hard in the stomach, Prim died of laughter as I took the plate of cupcakes and walked to the sofa angry. I placed the plate on the table hard, noticing how quiet it suddenly turned in the kitchen as I crossed my arms. A few seconds later, Prim walked back to our bedroom and Peeta walked slowly towards the sofa before sitting next to me. He looked at me with a goofy smile and I curse myself angry when I try to fight of my own.  _

_ “Kaaatniss, don’t be mad.” I held in my laughter as he smiled even bigger. “Kaaatniss.” _

_ “Stop making fun of me then!”, I complained to hide my laughter. “ Sure, I was like... 6 months late with my thanks, but I-” _

_ “Katniss.”, Peeta said, lifting my chin so I looked directly into his deep, blue eyes. He smiled with a face so innocent and sweet that I couldn’t help but to just stare with wide eyes. “I’m sorry.”  _

_ It feels like seconds go by before I realize that I kept staring at him like an idiot. My face becomes red again and I snatch my head from him, looking down at my hands. Feeling how it suddenly became hot.  _

_ “Stop that…”, I whisper as I played with my hands. _

_ “Stop what?” He’s teasing me and I don’t know if I should hit him again or blush even more.  _

_ Our friendship was a long journey with lots of awkward walks home and quiet study sessions. Right after I came to him with a dandelion and a thanking for the bread he gave me that rainy day, we slowly started to hang out. First in school every day, the first three months, and then outside the school just for studies. Three months after that, we hang out just for the pleasure of being together and slowly to this day, we have been glued to the hip. If I didn’t think of him, he probably thought of me. Bread and rabbits exchanged daily, an opportunity to meet and tell each other about our day or something hilarious that happened on the way home.  _

_ But lately, I thought as I feel Peeta’s intense stare at me, something has changed. He looks at me differently, acts different but not in a bad way. He sometimes says things like he’s flirting with me, and instead of running away like I do when I’m confused, I say something flirty back. Sometimes, a hand would rest on my lower back like he did when he lead me somewhere, but I react to it now. Every touch that he did before feels different. _

_ Peeta is handsome.  _ Really _ handsome. I could hear sometimes how the girls at school would talk about his blue eyes, curly blond hair and long lashes that kissed his cheeks every time he blinked. But I had already noticed those things long before they did. Standing in the schoolyard watching him, fighting with myself if I should thank him now or tomorrow for almost 6 months. I noticed those small things about him that only made me more nervous the day after. And butterflies created in my stomach. Like he was my crush or something... _

_ Maybe he was. Maybe that’s why I don’t mind his flirty words, hands on my lower back and glances at me now and then. _

_ “You know..  _ that _.”, I whisper, taking up a cupcake to change the subject as I tried to calm myself down. I turn to him and smiled uneasily. “They are so beautiful, have you made them-” I was suddenly interrupted when I felt his lips press against mine. I moaned in surprise, my eyes wide open as I still held the cupcake in my hand as he leaned back from my first stiff kiss. Now I wasn’t the only one with a red face. Peeta looked at me with shameful eyes, like he did something bad. He tried to say something, opening his mouth only to close it. I can only imagine how stupid I looked, with an open mouth and a cupcake in my hand.  _

_ “I-I’m sorry.”, he whispers looking down at his hands nervously. It’s quiet for a long time. “I should leave-”  _

_ “No.”, I say, surprising both me and him. Peeta looks up at me, cheeks red like strawberries and eyes like a puppy's. I swallow down the dry saliva in my mouth before talking again. “Stay.” Peeta looks at me for a few seconds before he nods. _

_ And in silence, we sit with hidden smiles on our faces as we ate the cupcakes.  _

  
  


**Present time, August 26th**

I manage to dodge Prim's questions. About how weird I’m acting nowadays and that I’m never talking with Peeta and I’m always pale and paranoid and the list goes on and on. I go with the usual lie, that I’m not feeling well and stressed for the winter even if we both are sweating because of the summer sun. She knows I’m lying, but before she can confront me about it, I need to go to class. 

At lunch, I search for a certain blond boy at the schoolyard. I walk fast through the bodies of students, searching for Peeta or someone I can ask about his presence, but it’s not necessary much longer. The baker sat on the grass with Delly Cartwright  _ too _ close to him together with the rest of his class. As Delly talk happily with her other merchant friends, Peeta was gone in space with his lunch untouched. His hair was a blond mess and the bags under his eyes had a deep shade of blue, witnessing the lack of sleep he had. 

Without a care in the world that the group of blondes talked, I walk close enough for them to notice and interrupt their chatting. I clear my throat, and that’s when Peeta lifts his head up. 

“Can I speak to you for a second?” I could see Peeta swallowing in either anger or nervosity, and before he can answer back, Delly jumps into our little conversation. 

“Is something wrong?” I glare at her angry, making the girl startle in fear before Peeta tells me of angry. 

“I’ll be right back.”, he tells Delly, putting a hand on her thigh for comfort only to make my heart ache. I don't miss the opportunity to glare at her some more before me and Peeta walk away from our audience, which is basically the whole school. Watching us leave with big eyes. 

“I was at the hob yesterday.”, I tell Peeta once we’re behind the school building, clear from any human souls. I start to shake, trying to control my hands as I look into his dark eyes. “G-greasy Sae said- They know he’s dead! The peacekeepers know now- they say it’s rumors but  _ we  _ know it’s not-” 

“Katniss stop it!”, Peeta burst out angry, gripping my shoulder but not in a comforting way. I twitch in fear as he tries to keep me still. “We need to pretend that nothing ever happened- Listen to me! Forget that it happened.” I keep looking at him with wide eyes, shocked at his words. “Nothing happened so just forget that it did-” 

“What the- Let go of me!”, I scream, feeling the tears fill my eyes. “Let go I said!” I release myself from his grip, sobbing loudly as lift my fist to hit him. But he gets a tight grip around my wrist, blocking me. And I can see that he’s afraid to hurt me because he takes a long step away from me and puts his hand behind his back. Still blaming himself. Still. Blaming. Himself. His face became pale as he looks down at the ground. Only making me cry more.

“ _ F-forget _ !?”, I scream, tears and snot running down my face. His eyes are filled with tears, but he doesn’t cry. “Is that why you d-dumped me? To  _ forget _ ?” I sob once again, my legs shaking in anger. “Is that why you’re together with that Delly-bitch? To  _ forget!?” _

“Katniss please…”, Peeta whispered, tears running down his cheeks. “Please… stop it..”  That’s when I do. Because when he starts to cry, my heart screams for him. My heart always screams for him. After all he’s done to me, all I can do is feel for him even more. 

I try to take deep breaths, wiping my tears as Peeta does the same.

“I-I can’t h-handle this alone P-Peeta…”, I whisper, my shaky inhales interrupting me as I sob even more. “I need you, please… You didn’t hurt me that night… you didn’t, please Peeta believe me….”

He looks at me, eyes filled with shame and sadness just like when he had kissed me for the first time, but only worse. I can see that he's biting his chapped, dry lips and I know what it means. 

“I don’t believe you...” He inhales deep, a tear running down his cheeks. “I hurt you Katniss and I won’t forgive myself ever again… Just forget. Okay, Katniss…?” And then he leaves me, and I don’t know what to do. 

  
  


**_June, 29th_ **

_ “It’s so cold!”, Peeta cried as he jumped up and down. “Katniss, I can’t!” _

_ “Yes, you can!”, I scream, taking his arm and dragging him into the water as he started to scream with a high pitched voice, making me laugh loudly. The water who reached our feet was now at our hips, and it was a perfect contrast with the hot sun over us and the cold water under.  _

_ “You’ll get used to it, just wait for a few minutes.” Peeta nodded before wrapping his arms around my body. He doesn’t look at me, probably as nervous as I am by his bold move, making me shiver as blood filled my head. It felt so different and… dirty, somehow. That Peeta’s naked wet body hugged mine. I still had a t-shirt on, but I was sure that it has become see-through by now. Yet, I hug him back, my heart beating with his.  _

_ I suddenly remember the kiss we shared on my sofa three weeks ago. Nothing had happened after that, yet I know that we have changed status from friends to…  _ that _. The way he looked at me made it so very clear. No words had to be exchanged. I like him. Very much.  _ Very very  _ much. Just the thought of him made me blush, and that we had the whole summer to be together made it all even better. _

_ “I-I think we’re used to the water now…”, I suddenly whisper.  _

_ “Mhh… you think?”, Peeta asks ironically. I can’t help but giggle.  _

_ “You’re right, we’re not.” If the air around us wasn’t hot enough, it was now when he suddenly leaned out to look deep into my eyes, before giving me my second kiss. And it was much better than my first. Gentle and beautiful lips massaged mine, that let me taste the cinnamon and bread on his lips. Opening his mouth for me to taste, and me doing the same for him. Even if I was afraid of doing something wrong.  _

What a cliche we are _ , I thought.  _ Just like my mother and father, just like you and me.  _ It felt like destiny from the start. He came out in the rain to give me the bread, smiling big as he gave me the one thing I couldn’t accept. I had swollen my pride then, and I didn’t know how to ever pay back this beautiful gift. I was afraid that his mother, that angry woman, would give him a beating for this but he assured me that she was sick and sleeping in. And then he smiled at me and left me there with the bread.  _ The boy with the bread. 

_ We lean out, and his blue Merchant eyes meet my grey Seam ones.  _

You’re going to be the death of me,  _ I thought when he gave me a smile before hugging me once again. Burying my head into his chest and breathing in his scent.  _

Just like mother. You’re going to kill me. 

  
  


**Present time, August 30th**

“Why aren’t you in school Katniss?” I look up from my thinking only to see Gale Hawthorne. And I don’t hide my disappointment.    
“Why aren’t you at work Gale?” He rolls his eyes as I look back at nothing. Gale goes up the two steps before sitting next to me on the porch. We both are quiet for a long time, only the sound of grasshoppers and children crying because of the heat was heard. I wait on the predictable question as Gale glance at me. I must look awful. Like I haven’t slept in days and been mourning.  _ Just like mother.  _ I cringe 

“Prim’s worried, y’know?” I close my eyes and breath out, the warm winds hitting my face. “She told Rory about it, and Rory told me. They're not better than birds.” 

“I’ll talk to her-” 

“Katniss what’s going on with you?”, Gale suddenly burst out.  “Talk to me, Katniss.”

I think of Cray, his lifeless bloody body on mine. That awful night when we had to do the unthinkable to save each other from death. And it only turned worse from there.  

I think of Peeta. Peeta. Leaving me. Leaving because of me. Thinking that he hurt me but only hurting me more now. Tears start to create together with sobs, and I place my hand over my eyes to look strong for a few moments before Gale could see.

“I’m fine.”, I whisper but my voice still cracks. 

“I-I haven’t seen you this bad since…”, Gale starts to grow impatient. “Katniss, is this about Peeta?” I nod under my hand. He freezes and if I know him, which I do, he’s probably thinking how stupid he is for not figuring it out sooner. 

“Did he hurt you?” I nod once again, sobbing.  _ “Just forget. Okay, Katniss…?” _

“I told you Katniss.”, Gale says, and I can hear how he starts to breath heavier. Angrier. “I told you, those Townies only want one thing. Thinking that they can have it only because their daddies own shops.” He keeps looking at me, I can feel it as I wipe my tear discrete, even if he sees everything. “You’re not… y’know… pregnant?”

“No- God no.”, I mutter angrily as I breathe in the fresh hot air. 

It’s quiet for a long time, and Gale glances at me one more time.

“You want me to… take care of him?” I glare at him angrily before hitting him in the head. 

“Ouch!”, he screams jokingly and I can’t help but smile. 

  
  


**_July, 9th_ **

_ The sun was high up in the sky, yet it was time to head home.  _

_ We both walk hand in hand through the forest from the lake we just bathed in once again. I tell Peeta about my father, how he had shown me this place one hot summer day and learned me how to swim.  _

_ “I appreciate that you showed it to me.”, Peeta had said. I smiled happily before giving him a kiss. Once we walked through the wires and down the willow, we finally arrived at the Merchant part. Since it wasn’t much left until curfew, the streets were empty and shops closed. Peeta and I still held hands.  _

_ “Want me to follow you home?”, Peeta asked and I shook my head.  _

_ “No need to, I’m fine from he-” _

_ “Hey!” We both jump in fear before turning around, seeing the Districts least-favorite Peacekeeper Officer Cray. He wore his white costume and walked with dizzy steps, and I guessed that the rumors are true. Cray liked his alcohol as much as District 12’s drunk Haymitch, but lately one bottle a night turned into two.  _ So be careful, _ they said around the Hob.  _ He’s not nice nowadays. 

_ “You aren’t a-allowed to be out!” Cray stumbled over his words and he rect of alcohol. I couldn’t help to cringe.  _

_ “It’s a half hour left ‘till curfew-”, Peeta had said but got interrupted by a strong blow into his stomach. I gasp loudly when Peeta inhale for air and land on the ground with a loud noise.  _

_ “Peeta!”, I cry and fall down next to him on the ground, trying to help him sit up. Cray smirked pleased to himself as he kept wiggle back and forth in place.  _

_ “Well, if it isn’t Katniss…”, Cray  _ _ mumbled as he smirked bigger, noticing now that I was there. I look up at him with disgust as he chuckles for himself. “I’m waiting for your visit, sweetheart. We’ll hope it’s this winter.” I grimace in disgust when I realize that he’s referring to  _ that _. What almost every poor virgin Seam girl has to do to survive to be able to feed their families. He suddenly takes a hard grip around my neck, and I let out a scream out of fear when he whispers into my ear.  _

_ “I’m going to be extra gentle with you, sweetheart.” Then he threw me back on the ground and walked away with wiggly steps back to his place. I look back at him with a shaking body as I protected my neck with my hand, breathing heavy before turning my attention on Peeta, who still couldn’t breathe properly.  _

  
  


**Present time, September 1st**

Something is wrong. 

I walk to school, with my head low and steps slow and hair braided and messy, bags under eyes deep and dark. And it’s not until I reach school that I realize that something is wrong. I look up when I arrive to the school entrance, and that’s when I see peacekeepers. Many of them.  _ Many.  _

_ They’re here to get me,  _ I think, my eyes becoming wide in fear.  _ They know it’s me. They know. They’re going to kill me in public, in front of my family. No one can feed them after I’m gone, no one can take care of them. They will probably punish mom and Prim for my acts when they’re done with me. They will be held as prisoners. Because everyone knows that the worst crime you can commit is to show any violence to a peacekeeper.  _

I’m having a panic attack. I realize that when people start to look at me strangely, whispers going my way and people pointing at me. Soon the peacekeepers will notice and they will take me but I can’t stop it. I can’t stop the fast inhaling, my shaking legs and teary eyes. If the peacekeepers wouldn't kill me, then the silence would. Because I was alone in this world where everyone was my enemy, where my secret would kill me and my family if it came out. The secret feels like stones that would drag me down deeper into the water. And it’s too big for me. Too big, and I can’t share it with anyone. 

_ It’s choking me,  _ I think as I bend down to calm myself, but it doesn’t work.  _ My secret is choking me.  _

“Katniss!” His voice makes me look up, and I see Peeta looking at me with panic. My breathing becomes faster.  _ Help me,  _ I want to scream.  _ Help! _

“Katniss, are you alright?”, Delly asks, standing right next to Peeta with a worried face. And I notice her arm around Peeta, and I look up back to him. It’s only a second, but I can see it in his eyes. 

Guilt. 

That’s when he takes my hand and drags me away. Away from Delly who screamed after Peeta, away from the peacekeepers, away from school and away from everything until we are at the Willow right beside the fence. 

Peeta lays on the ground, panting after air as I do the same. The summer wind screaming in our ears as our panting reduces. By the sound of winds and grasshoppers singing, I’m suddenly calm. The sound of students, gossips and peacekeepers whispers isn’t in my ears anymore. I close and open up my eyes a few times, just to see if I’m still alive. And I am.

“Yesterday at the Square,” Peeta finally says after such a long time of silence. “They announced that they would search for the murders who killed Officer Cray.” I can feel a lump creating in my stomach, and I inhale deeply to calm myself down. 

“We could’ve done it better…”, he suddenly whispers. “We should’ve made it look like a suicide-” 

“How could we when his head was already smashed?”, I whisper, my hands covering my face in panic and Peeta turns quiet. “They won’t stop searching until they find us.” 

It’s quiet for a long time and I can’t help but inhale loud, sensing Peeta’s eyes on me. 

“This is the part when we say that we got each other.”, I mumble and I can hear Peeta swallow in nervosity over the wind flowing beside us. “Gale’s right,” I whisper. “All you Merchant end up leaving....” 

“No, Katniss!”, Peeta cries as he stands up, his eyes filled with dread. “I swear, it’s not like that!” I already know that it isn’t like that, but I just want to hurt him. Just a little. 

I suddenly stand up, and I turn around to watch him, the wind swaying my braid and air stinging into my eyes. His are filled with tears and so are mine. I want to smack him, to kiss him, to talk to him, to hate him and everything at once. Instead, I say the first thing that comes to my mind. 

“You are hurting me, Peeta.”, I whisper, before leaving him all alone. And I don’t know if the wind is playing a trick on me, or if I hear Peeta crying after me. Screaming my name. 

  
  


**_July 25th_ **

_ “Mh… Peeta, stop!”, I giggled as he kept butterfly kissing my neck. “It tickles.”  _

_ “Please, Katniss.”, Peeta whispered against my skin, making me shiver. “Follow me inside, no one will hear us if we sneak.”  _

_ “We said that we would wait after marriage! I won’t risk getting.... y’know….” I put my hands on his chest to look at him in the eye, but he keeps clinging at me as he laughs, not wanting to let me go.  _

_ We were standing between the bakery and the house next to it. It was a small spring leading to the backside of the bakery, impossible to see us if you didn’t peek through the openings on the sides. I had been hunting the whole day with Peeta in the woods, and I caught less when I hunted for an hour in the mornings. His heavy steps scared all the games away, making me boil with anger as he apologized hundreds of time. But after a while, I just laughed with him when the birds flew away in terror. When the sun started to drop in the sky, we both got back to the Merchant part of the District behind the bakery to drop of Peeta. And a goodbye kiss turned into this.  _

_ “I know, Katniss… I just want to be with you.”, Peeta pouted, and I can’t help but to laugh.  _

_ “Have patience, lover boy.”, I whisper before kissing his pouting lips fast with a smile. “See you tomorrow. Same place and time as today.” Before Peeta starts to argue, I free my body from his grip and wave happily from a few meters distance so wouldn’t hold me tied again. “Can’t wait to destroy your hunting and your mood tomorrow. It’s really funny.”, Peeta says sarcastically as I roll my eyes.  _

_ “Bye Peeta.” He gives me a last smile, before walking back to the backside of the bakery. Standing there for a few seconds, I keep staring at where I just lost him from my sight and think of what he said.  _

“Follow me inside, no one will hear us if we sneak.” 

_ My ears turn red and I can’t help but cover my face in embarrassment, even if there were no one but me between the two houses.  _ He’s been acting more bolder these days _ , I realize as I inhale deeply. It wasn’t surprising though. Some days, we would just be together. Either hunting, swimming or just talk. No touching or joking. Just pure heart to heart talks about our lives, plans and nothing in particular. I love those conversations. There was something beautiful in it, like a reminder that our friendship is still alive.  _

_ On other days though, it couldn’t wait. I would sometimes meet up with Peeta right where I stood now early in the morning, and he would push me into the wall and kiss me so passionately that my legs started to wiggle. And that would just be beginning of the day.  _

_ I shake my head violently when images and pictures of us pressed against each other showed up in my head. I promised myself, after marriage. I didn’t want to risk anything. Plus, what Gale has told me my whole life still bothered me to this day. “Those Merchant boys only want one thing Catnip, and you know what it is.” And maybe if marriage came first, I would truly know Peeta's real intentions… I’m selfish for thinking that, and I know he’s not like that. He truly isn’t.  _

_ As I think for myself, I walk fast to get to the end of the spring between the two houses. It wasn’t until I heard a sudden voice that I stopped walking, jumping in fear.  _

_ “Well, well... Isn’t it Katniss walkin’ around this late?” The sound of Crays drunken voice made me shiver from top to toe and the sight of him wasn’t pleasant either. He wore his white duty clothes that were now more grey and yellow from dirt and God-knows-what. His drunken smile is disgusting and powerful, and I grip my game bag harder for support and comfort as I held my head high. I knew he would make a rude comment and later leave, but the whole process had to be fast and quiet. Peeta’s whole family is asleep in the house right in front of us, and it wouldn’t be pleasant when Peeta’s mother sees me fight with a peacekeeper through her window outside her bakery.  _

_ Cray suddenly takes a few steps towards me, and his grin turns dangerous. I can’t help but take a step back in fear, suddenly feeling my mouth becoming dry. “I saw you hooking up with the baker’s boy, you nasty whore.” My eyes become wide in shook, and my whole body freeze, filled with disgust. He starts to laugh loudly as my eyes start to water, my body suddenly feeling dirty knowing that he has been looking at me and Peeta. Even if I know that it isn’t my fault, I really felt like a whore. But I was better than that, and I knew it already. I would've slapped him back to sleep a long time ago, but my plan was to do this smoothly. No fight, no prison time.  _

_ No future mother-in-law hating me more then she already does. _

_ Before I tell him to screw himself and leave, he suddenly walks closer to me, like a hunter for its prey, an act I’ve seen many times. “I really want to know how that amazing tongue of yours works.” It’s not until now that I realize how his eyes are shining with a lust so powerful that nothing would stop it. Nothing. And that’s when I become afraid. That’s when I know that I had to run, or else- “Let’s try it, shall we!”  _

_ Even in his drunken state, he is strong and quick. His sudden grip around my wrist made me scream in pain as he threw me back to the spring between the houses so no one could see us, my backside landing hard. I look up at him, and above me was a monster. With red eyes, long sharp teeth and claws ready to dig in my red boiling flesh. My body starts to shake as he gets closer. Tears have already started to pour down as I turn around and try to flee for my life, but a grip around my ankle only drags me down again. That’s when I start to panic. My hand is trying to reach for anything to grip and my legs are sprattling everywhere so I could get a hit somehow. I scream and scream, not knowing if someone will hear this late at night as his hand covers my mouth, tears and messy hair blocking my sight to see anything. My whole body fights for air and freedom, sobbing and shaking, but he presses me down with his own body instead as he whispers into my ear, his nasty breath hitting my face. “Be quiet now so I can enjoy.”  _

_ That’s when I scream loud. So loud that even if his hand covered my voice, I’m sure that my lungs broke into millions of pieces and half of Panem heard my voice. And I don’t stop screaming. Even when he pushes his hand under my shirt and fondle my breast hard and painful. I don’t stop fighting, screaming and crying until I hear something. Like a smash against something hard, a head maybe, and red rain pouring over me as the weight of his body land right over me and he stops to move.  _

  
  


**Present time, September 5th**

Trying to ignore the looks from the peacekeepers was hard at school, but even harder when they where in your house. 

I came home from school with my head low. Taking slow steps through the Seam so no attention would fall on me when I sense the quiet yet crowded area around the place I live in. My neighbors and other Seams have their fullest attention on the act in front of them that I couldn’t reach, and my beating heart starts to hurt. I want to know what’s happening around my house, but it’s seems outreached from me. The sound of glass, objects and peacekeepers screaming orders was the only thing I heard over the people’s worried whispers.

“What’s happening?”, I ask the people with panic as I try to walk through the crowd, but no one seems interested in me. I could feel the sweat run down my back, body start to shake and head going into different situations.  _ Mother is dead, Prim is dead, Gale is dead, they found me, they’re going to kill me. _

“Katniss!”, I turn around to see Hazelle Hawthorne, Gale's mother. Her brown eyes that always seemed too comforting still were even in this situation as she gave me a calming smile as she took a hard grip around my hand. Like it was telling me to stay strong. I look into her eyes, my head full with questions. But she only clenches my hand harder with those comforting eyes. “Come here.” She drags me away from the crowd around my house, all the way to her own a few minutes away. When we walk into her house, I notice a broken window fixed with tape, things being thrown all around the house and Prim together with mother and the rest of the Hawthorne children cleaning it up.

“Mother, Prim.”, I say in pure horror as Hazelle closes the door behind. Prim gives me a smile and my mother too. “What’s happening?”

“They’re searching for something.”, Hazelle answers, leaning down to grab a pot from the ground. “The peacekeepers going to look through every house in the Seam. They searched mine, so it would be best if your sister and mother are here until they’re done with yours. They’ll probably go through the Merchants later on.” 

Every ounce of blood left my face and I almost lose balance. Prim says something to Hazelle across the room, but I can’t hear her words clearly. Like I was under water. As muffled voices talked over me, I think of Crays body over mine. How my screams got blocked with his hand over my mouth as his other crept under my blouse. How I wanted to break free from his grip, but he held me tighter and tighter and I couldn’t breathe until it all suddenly stopped. Blood splashing all around me.

I walk slowly to the bathroom so they wouldn’t notice, their voices still unclear. With shaking hands, I close the door behind me and lean over the toilet where the little breakfast and lunch I managed to eat came out. 

_ They’re looking for the murder weapon _ , I think before leaning down once again.  _ And they won’t stop looking until they find us. _

  
  


**_July 25th_ **

_ “What have I done…?”, Peeta keeps whispering for himself. “What have I done…?”  _

_ I blink my eyes a few times. Trying to understand what’s going on. All I see through my wet eyes and messy hair over my face is the summer night filled with stars between the two walls that surrounded me. And then, of course, a body over my own that once wore white, but now wore red. Blood covered Cray, and it probably covered me too.  _

_ I try to understand the facts. A lifeless peacekeeper over my shaking body. Peeta sitting against the wall with his hands covering his face as he keeps repeating the words over and over again. “What have I done…?” _

_ “Peeta?”, I whisper but I get no response. I put my hands on Crays' shoulder and push him of me. He’s too heavy, but with the little energy I have left, I push him to the side and he collapses with a big thud. I sit up with wide eyes and heavy breathing, trying to understand as I look back at my hands. Red. So beautifully red. I look back at Peeta, who keeps whispering to himself as blood covered his body, only reminding him what he has done. He killed Cray. He really killed a peacekeeper.  _

_ Too weak to walk, I crawl towards him with a shaking body. Still out of breath and still eyes wide open in shock. I know I should stop and help myself first. To collect me and calm myself down. But all I see is Peeta. Afraid and lost and too innocent for this. I need to help him. He needs me. _

_ When I finally reach him, I take his hands with my own shaking ones. His eyes poured with tears and he couldn’t look me in the eyes as he kept crying to himself.  _ “What have I done…?”

_ “Peeta. Peeta, look at me!”, I scream, shaking his body with barely any energy in me. I scream his name once more before he finally sees me. I grip his hands hard and look deep into his eyes. My heart pounding. My voice sore. My whole body filled with panic.  _

_ “I g-got you.”, I whisper to him. “Y-you got me, right? Right? Always, remember?” I don’t know if he nodded or if his body just shook. “Good. Now,” I try to smile. I try to be comforting. “Help me move the body, okay?” _

  
  
  


**Present time, September 6th**

Early, very very early in the morning, in the Hawthorne household, everyone is asleep. Mother on a mattress on the floor, right beside Prim who sleeps on the couch. Hazelle in her own room, and the siblings all in their own. And in this little house, you could hear every little noise that was being made. Their breath wasn’t in sync. Some breathed faster than the other, and it bothered me. Some of them, my mother being one of them, moved around a lot and that bothered me too. Some snored, other didn’t. Some whimpered and cried in their sleep. Other didn’t. Together with the fact that I was in the bathroom, I could also hear the sewers. Water flowing by the pipes fast. 

It seems like I will never be able to rest peacefully again. 

My body is shaking, cold sweat running down my body as I lay on the bathroom floor. The coldness somehow cooling me down. The question that has kept me awake still danced in my head.  _ Where was the murder weapon?  _ Peeta was the one killing Cray with it, and I can’t remember what it was or what he did with it. Did he take it in back to the bakery when he went to get plastic bags, or did he just leave it there? The questions wouldn’t stop, and I didn’t know if Peeta knew about the murder weapon. Did someone tell him, or would the peacekeepers ask him what a bloody object did beside the bakery? 

I was afraid that I would throw up again, so I stayed here so Hazelle wouldn’t have to clean up after me. And the only thing I want is to sleep. And soon, I start to drift away. Even over the sound of breathing, snoring, turning around, cries, I somehow close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep that would only contain nightmares.

_ Maybe,  _ I think, j _ ust maybe, I’ll be able to move on. Just like how I sleep over the sounds, I can forget about this and just move on-  _

The sound of the door opening up wakes me up right from my sleep as I let out a low scream. I almost imagen peacekeeper Cray in the doorway with that disgusting smile, knowing that he’ll always win. As in me going to prison, or maybe even killed. Or even worse, my family. Mother, Prim.  _ Peeta _ . He’ll make me pay somehow. Pay for what I have done.

But instead, I see Gale. Looking at me with his work clothes covered in dust and eyes wide in shock. “Katniss?” 

And I lean over the toilet once again and throw up the little I had in me as I can feel Gale collecting my hair from my face. I try to get back my breath as I lean out, wiping my mouth with the backside of my hand. I look back at Gale, and that’s when I see his face. 

Anger.

His eyes were more black and clouded than ever before, and his mouth was pressed into a thin line. The grip he had around my hair turned tighter, but it didn’t hurt. It only worried me. Because I know what he’s thinking, and before I can protest, he stands up and leaves me. His footsteps loud and clear as the outer door slammed hard.

“Gale-” Before I can scream his name, a new wave of nausea comes back, and I lean over the toilet again.

 

  
**July 30th**

_ I know I shouldn’t do this. I know that I should turn around and go home for the sake of him and my own. But I can’t stand it. The silence. The secret. The fact that it has been five days since then. Five days since Peeta smashed Crays' head. Five days since we threw the body in a container near Victory Village. Sweat had run down our bodies, taking the blood with it. I don’t remember much what happened after. I think I followed Peeta home since he barely could walk himself, pushed him in through the door before I ran home myself. Washing my body, scrubbing my skin hundreds of time as I cried until my skin got irritated and started to bleed. Yet, I still felt dirty. I still felt Crays hand on my chest, his blood all over my body and sweat from carrying a corpse that we had covered with a black plastic bag. I still can’t forget his body weight on mine, Peeta’s broken mind and that beautiful sky filled with stars. _

_ And five days later, I’m standing behind the bakery and knocking on the door. Not caring if his mother is the one opening. I can’t stand being isolated in my room, torturing myself day to night as I keep refreshing the memories. Why do I suffer alone when I have Peeta? We can help each other instead.  _

_ After a while, I realize that no one is opening. I knock once again with shaking hands. Hands that hasn’t stopped once since that night. I suddenly glance at the spring between the bakery and the other house where everything happened, and a wave of nausea hits me. Before I can think, I panic and open the door, closing it hard after myself.  _

_ It’s too quiet in the bakery. No one seems to be here. And I suddenly remember, only a few days ago Peeta mentioning dinner at the Cartwright family. He had invited me over to the bakery, wanting me to taste the new cheese bun recipe and tell him what I thought of them. I gladly accepted.  _

_ I walk carefully towards the stairs, towards Peeta's room where I’ve been once before a long time ago studying. The thought of studying suddenly felt funny. How we complained so much at the time, and now the only thing I want right now is to read a book about Panem’s history. Anything but this. Anything but  _ this _.  _

_ I reach Peeta’s room and when I open it, funky air hits me. No open windows with a fresh wind blowing into the room. Only hot, stuffy air that’s been locked inside together with the boy for a very long time. Just like I did a few hours ago. He sits on his bed like an owl. Eyes wide open and a shaking, pale body freezing. He looks up at me, and I look down at him.  _

_ “I’m sorry…”, he whispers and tears are already creating in his eyes. “I couldn’t save you… I’m sorry-” _

_ “Peeta.”, I interrupt. “Stop being sorry.”  I take a step forward and grip his hand hard, looking into his eyes but he’s can’t seem to face me. Too disappointed in himself. _

_ “I was too late! I-if I just stayed a bit longer w-with you this wouldn’t happen- I could’ve been there for you- no killing, no blood-” As he keeps mumbling for himself, sobs and crying coming with it, I look at him with wide eyes. He keeps blaming himself. Not Cray for attacking me, but himself for not protecting me. But how could he have protected me? We both didn’t see him coming so why does he do that to himself when there is no point? Why is he like his mother, only sinking himself down? Anger fills my body when he keeps mumbling about what he could've done and I suddenly grip his hand hard enough for him to stop and look up at my face in shock.  _

_ “If I hear you blaming yourself like that again Peeta,”, I whisper angrily with small eyes and panic suddenly fills his body. “I swear to God-”  _

_ “I’m sorry! I’m sorry I won’t do it again please don’t hate me!” He hugs my body tight as he starts to cry, his tears wetting down my shirt. Before I get the chance to comfort him, he drags my hands towards himself, making me stumble right into his lap, both my legs over his. And he presses his lips hard against mine.  _

_ It felt nice. It felt desperate, yet nice. Knowing that we got each other. Knowing that we’ll manage this through. Peeta kisses me in a way I’ve never felt before. Like I would get snatched away from him at any moment. His hands roam over my body. My back, my neck, my ass. I moan when he places his hands on my hips and grip the skin hard as his tongue explore my own. My stomach almost exploding in either lack of air or nervosity, I lean out and catch my breath as I start to whisper in his ear.  _

_ “I’ll never leave you, Peeta.”, I say as I hug his body hard.  _

_ “Please don’t leave me Katniss.”, he cries into my neck. “Don’t leave me, I’m sorry….” I start to kiss his neck, from the corner of his mouth to his collarbone like he has done to me many times. Like my actions would somehow calm him down. He groans into my ear before he turn us both around on the bed, his body over me attacking my lips. His tongue exploring every corner of my mouth before nipping my under lip between his own. It’s not until I feel his erection pressing against me that I realize that this is the furthest we have done. I had felt it before, many times. But he was pushing up against my crotch knowingly, making me moan loudly at the odd sensation. Even if we both wore garments over us, it still felt amazing and I hear Peeta groan loudly into my ear as I keep whispering his name.  _

This is getting dangerous _ , I realize when his breaths start to increase, pushing his knee between my legs making more room for himself to press against.  _ I should stop. We should stop before it’s getting too late.

_ “Peeta…” What was supposed to sound strict and serious turned into a moan instead.  _

_ “Katniss, I love you.”, he suddenly whispers, making me freeze in place when I feel his hands right over my crotch. My whole body turns red in embarrassment as he kept kissing my neck. “Stay with me…” His voice sounded broken, small and scared. And it only reminded me. Reminded me of what we did five days ago. Attacked, killed and hid. So fast. Everything happened so fast. The awful feeling in my stomach returned as quick as it came, and my brain started to ache as I thought of blood. So much  _ blood _ …  _

_ And it also reminded me of this. That kissing Peeta so carelessly wouldn’t make me forget about what happened. Sure, the last ten minutes was the most restful I’ve been and if we continued what we were doing now, it could be an hour more of peace. But when we woke up from our little bubble, we would be back to our reality again. And I would regret it the moment it was done because I promised myself after marriage. I don’t want to end up like those other girls. Pregnant, unmarried, called whores for the rest of their lives. I don’t want that!  _

_ Before I tell him off, his hand suddenly creep inside my pants and panties and I accidentally scream in both shock and pleasure, covering my mouth in panic that someone would hear. I clench my eyes hard as his two fingers caress me. Dragging his fingers between my lips in a slow movement before covering my clit with the wetness. I moan loudly over my mouth, my hips arching up in pleasure as Peeta lays beside me, doing his magic as he kisses my neck whispering my name.  _

_ “Stop!”, I scream until I realize that I covered my mouth and Peeta can’t hear me. Instead, he keeps making circles, suddenly forcing me to look into his eyes as I moan loudly, caressing my chin with his soft hand. His eyes are filled with lust and passion as he looked into my own. And I suddenly forget everything. The feeling he created with his just two fingers was something you couldn’t explain. So magical and so full of pleasure. I wasn’t sure if this is my body anymore. My eyes are cloudy, saliva ran down my chin and animal-like sounds left my mouth.  _

_ “I love you Katniss.”, he says looking straight into my eyes, and my body reacts to his words harder than I thought. _

_ “Peeta…”  _

_ “I love you Katniss.” I moan even louder, putting my arms around his neck as I pant loudly into his ear. I don’t want this pleasure to stop, so I whisper in his ear; “More…”  _

_ He commands, taking his other hand to fondle my breast. He does it slowly, almost in the same tempo as his fingers in my panties, yet I freeze as the air got stuck in my lungs.  _

_ I open my eyes like a jolt hit my body and I’m suddenly seeing the ground I was pressed against. The smell of alcohol and sweat filled my nose as I try to breathe over his hand on my mouth. His weight is on me, hands rough and dirty on my chest, and his big grin behind my ear. I take a shaky deep breath in panic as I blink.  _

_ And I’m back in Peeta’s room again. _

I’m safe _ , I tell myself as I close my eyes hard in denial, _ I’m safe. It’s only Peeta. 

_ My toes curls and moans leave my mouth, yet I can’t feel any pleasure, my body reacting without me. His hands keep going faster, rougher on my chest as he kisses behind my ear and I want to puke because all I think of is Cray’s body on mine violating me like I was nothing. Like I wasn’t someone's daughter, sister, friend. Like I was  _ nothing _.  _

_ My breaths turn faster, my eyes clench harder and my arms around Peeta becomes tighter. Something in me was about to explode and I was scared yet wanted whatever it could be that Peeta created with his fingers.  _

“Be quiet now so I can enjoy!”  _ I let out a sob in panic when Cray’s words played up in my head, unnoticeably blending in with my moans. The feeling of being dirty came back as fast as it left, and I realized that the 2-hour shower I took the other day didn’t make me any cleaner from the peacekeepers lustful, red eyes.  _

_ “Peeta…”, I cried in his ear, not knowing myself if I wanted him to keep going or to stop. But he only became rougher. “Peeta…” It only comes out in a whisper, impossible to hear. I wanted him to save me. To save me from this nightmare that wasn’t supposed to be in Peeta’s arms. This was my place to be safe from everything. Hunger, fear and nightmares.  _

_ A moan-like scream leaves my mouth as I cover my face in pleasure. My hips arched up as the climax fills my body like fireworks and I can hear Peeta whisper my name over and over again. Yet, as this unbelievable explosion filled me up, I see through my fingers covering my face. How the off-white ceiling instead became dark like a night heaven and stars painted all over it. How my messy hair covered my eyes, the smell of blood filling my nose, his dead body-weight on me and Peeta’s panting forming into the words; “What have I done..?” _

_ It’s not until after a few minutes when we both breath fast in silence that I hear myself sob. We both freeze in surprise before I let out one more. My hands still covering my face. Peeta sits up fast, making the bed under us dip. I can sense his worries like waves in the air.  _

_ “Katniss…?” He calls out my name a few times more before he grips my wrist and forces me to look at him.  _

_ And there we were.  _

_ His beautiful big, blue eyes were wide in shock as he looked into mine who were filled with tears that already ran down to my ears, as surprised about my outburst as he was. The air around us so tense and cold that it made me almost choke on it. So dramatically quiet except for my small cries that made it even more extreme. Even more terrifying. That reminded not only me but him about that night.  _

_ And Peeta quickly realized that what he did to me, matched  _ his _ almost identically.  _

_ It only takes a second, but I can see it in his whole body. His eyes become wide, his face becomes pale, his hands start to shake as he lets go of my wrist and he presses his body against the wall. For either support or distance between us. Because he thinks that he hurt me. Again.  _

_ Panic fills my body, but not faster than Peetas. _

_ “Peeta, I’m sorry-”  _

_ “I-I hurt you- I hurt you-” He starts to shake his whole body, tears creating in his eyes. “I’m sorry- I can’t protect you It’s all my fault-” _

_ “No, Peeta!”, I sit up in panic to try to calm him down, but he takes a hard grip around my wrists and he looks up into my eyes. Like a jolt hits my body, I freeze in fear when I see his devastated face. Tears leaking down his face as he sobs, barely breathing as he shook with guilt. “What have I done, Katniss?! I’m sorry, forgive me! F-forgive me Katniss I’m sorry what have I done I’m sorry Katniss do you hear me Katniss don’t leave me, I’ll die I can’t do this anymore forgive me what have I done Katniss I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from him, I was too late and now I’m doing it to you I’m worthless I love you Katniss forgive me I’m sorry---” _

_ His words keep coming and coming as panic does too because I can’t calm him down as much as I want to. I still feel his hands on me, Cray’s dirty hands on my chest and I want to cry and scream at nobody and to take time for myself to calm down but I can’t when Peeta keeps screaming for forgiveness he doesn’t think he deserves and everything is so stressful that I feel like I’m about to explode and I do the only thing that I’m good at.  _

_ I run.  _

 

**Present time, September 6th**

From the living room, the Hawthorne children played, enjoying the little toys they had as they screamed and laughed. Prim, mother, Hazelle and me sat at the table eating breakfast which only contained porridge that Hazelle forced me to eat.

“You have been sick the whole night. You need to eat Katniss.”, Prim said worried as Hazelle gave me scoop in a bowl. 

“And drink a lot of water.”, mother added as she took a spoon to her mouth. I glared at the edible mess in front of me as the smell filled my lungs, making me almost wrinkle my nose. 

“You’ve been so weird Katniss...”, Prim muttered sad, making everyone at the table lift their head to listen to Prim’s worried voice. “You’re sad all the time, never smile and always look sick. I don’t believe you when you say that you are alright anymore….” As the two women glanced at me shocked, I feel a deep pain hit my chest, making me swallow audibly as I looked down at my hands in shame. 

Prim didn’t believe me anymore. I’ve lied so many times to her that she doesn’t have any trust in me. But what can I possibly do? These lies were to keep her safe. Safe from the mistakes I’ve done. I can’t tell her about Cray. About his hand and blood on me. About Peeta who refuse to forgive himself after what happened. That I’m worried sick, literally, about the murder weapon that those peacekeepers violate Seams for. And that I don’t know where Gale left after he saw me puke six in the morning. I can’t tell her that.

I can’t tell her the truth. 

“Prim, I-” Before I had the chance to open my mouth, the sound of the door opening was heard. We all turned our heads to see Gale come in, hurrying from our site as fast as he could, but Hazelle was faster. She stood up with both her arms crossed over her chest.

“Gale Hawthorne!”, she screamed in anger, and Gale froze in place. “Where have you been?!” My heart pounded in my chest, my eyes big and scared of what he would answer. Why did he look so angry after seeing me throw up? Did he think that I was…?

Did he do something to Peeta?

“I worked the early shift, ma’”, Gale finally said, looking up to face his mom but clearly avoiding eye contact with me. Avoiding to look at me. That’s when I knew.

_ “You want me to… take care of him?” _

I stood up as fast as Hazelle, the chair behind me falling with a loud sound turning the whole house quiet. Even the children playing in the living room turned silent. But the attention on me wasn’t caused by the sound. It was my eyes. My burning eyes that reflected the anger boiling inside of me like fire, making the house filled with warmth. And even if Prim, Hazelle and mother all looked at me with wide eyes, he still didn’t look at me. Still too damn proud.

_ Look. At. Me! _

“What did you do…?”, I whispered so low that I was surprised when he heard me, flinching at my words but still not answering. “Gale, what did you do?!” I took three big steps toward him, my eyes only seeing red when he still didn’t talk. I place both my hands on his chest and push him against the wall hard, making the audience of three screams in shock when Gale gasp at my sudden move. “Answer me!-” 

“I beat his ass for leaving you, Katniss!”, Gale snapped, making me flinch in surprise as I took a step backward. “That fucker deserved it! Those damn Merchants all leave when they get someone knocked up, and I won’t let that asshole get away with it!” 

There is a family in the Seam that has a rooster. I think it was the Green’s. A mother, father, four daughters and a son. Yes, it was definitely the Green’s. You could hear the rooster scream through the morning over the Seam. But the thing is that the Green’s lived houses and houses away. You could never hear that rooster from this far, but right now, we could.

It was that quiet in the Hawthorne household. 

“No way…” Prim was the first one to break the silence, standing up with both her hands over her mouth, eyes tearing up in shock. “Katniss, are you…” I glance at Hazelle, whose eyes flicked with something I haven’t seen in a long time. Pity. And mother’s even worse, with her face so painfully hard to read, only looking out in space with eyes wide and dead. 

“No…”, I whispered, realizing that they didn’t hear. “No! No, I’m not pregnant!”

“That has to explain your sickness, your depression…”, Prim cired. “Did Peeta leave you because of it, Katniss? I don’t believe that!”

“No, Prim calm down-” 

“I thought that he was a good man, I truly thought so...”, Hazelle muttered, sitting down as she sighed exhausted and disappointed. 

“Peeta  _ is _ a good man, Hazelle and I’m not pregnant, we didn’t even have sex for God's sake!”, I screamed in anger, only to realize what I just had said. Everyone looked at me with wide eyes as my cheeks turned into a deep color of red, and I hoped that the kids in the other room didn’t hear me. “I-I’m n-not…”, I stuttered ashamed, wishing that Peeta was here. Like he’s supposed to. Helping me with this situation right now, to tell me that it is alright as he grabs my hair and runs his fingers through it. To look me in the eye and accept that I forgive him even if there is nothing to be forgiven for. To whisper in my ear calming words when we walk by peacekeepers and to kiss me when I cry for my old life back. And I would do that all to him too. But he isn’t. He isn’t here for me. 

If this morning wasn’t horrible enough, it became worse when I heard myself sob. My tears slowly but violently filling my eyes as the four looked at me with wide confusing eyes. I look at my mother and realize that I’ve become just like her. The one and only woman I didn’t want to be like. But I’m no better than her. I have become weak from a loss. From a man I loved so much, from someone, I planned to marry, to start a family with, have many children with and to love for the rest of my life. And when he left, disappeared from my life, I only grieved. Not caring about Prim, Gale and my mother. So selfish and depressed. Just like the woman I promised not be. 

  
  


**_August 15_ **

_ I walk slowly through the Seam, my legs feeling like stones behind me. My breath came out heavy, and people looked at me with disgust and confusion. They saw my unwashed hair, dirty sleeping clothes and tears running down my cheeks as I tried to forget what just happened. There is nothing I want more than reach home, believe me, I wanted to tell the Merchants and Seams who glanced at me questioningly. But I can’t. My legs can’t move. Nor my face. My eyes were still wide as balls, my mouth opens as I gasped for air and my both arms around me trying to stop myself from shivering. _

“I’m sorry Katniss…”,  _ he said to me while he closed the door in my face. His voice low, sad and ashamed as I looked at him with big eyes. Trying to figure out if this was a joke or not.  _ “I’m not… good enough for you.”  _ As if the whole breakup wasn’t hard, painful and worse enough, I heard him whisper under his breath. _ “Forgive me...” 

_ And then he closed the door. _

  
  


**Present time, September 6th**

It wasn’t hard to find him. He was laying down on the grass, arms crossed on his stomach just like his calves and kept looking up at the blue sky that reflected his own eyes, leaves falling down on the trees with the same color his left cheekbone had as cold winds howled around the Willow. I stand over his laying body, examine his freshly woke hair, dark under eyes, broken lips and purple bruise almost painted into his face. He’s gorgeous. 

I sit beside him, crossing my legs under me as we look up at the sky together. Waiting for him to say anything. 

“It’s kinda hard being pregnant without the.. y’know… ‘the-getting-pregnant’-part. But my parents didn’t believe in that.”, I can’t help but let out a sad giggle. Somehow feeling very calm yet scared. Maybe because this was our place. Right here at the Willow, right beside the fence. Nobody could touch us here. Nobody could find us. 

“Yeah… Prim and mom didn’t believe in me either... “ A long pause. “You kind of deserved it.” For the first time, Peeta looks at me with a surprised look on his face and I look back at him. “Pregnant or not, you abandoned me.  _ You _ told  _ me  _ that I couldn’t ever forgive you. You decided for me what to feel. You decided to tear us apart and feel pain on ourselves when we could’ve helped each other. You decided  _ everything _ in this situations.” I left Peeta shocked, his eyes wide in terror thinking for a second before he lifted his upper body with his elbow. 

“No… Katniss, I-”    
“‘You’re selfish.’”, I whispered, my eyes burning with anger and he takes a shaky breath when I lean closer into him. “‘You’re weak. You’re a murderer. You  _ assaulted _ me.’ Is that what you want to hear?” If he didn’t look worse before, he did now when his eyes started to water as he sits up fast, taking two hard grips around my hands and pulling me towards him in a desperate move. 

“No! No, I don’t want to Katniss I’m sorry-” 

“Stop saying that your sorry and accept that there is nothing to be sorry for. Nothing!”, I scream, feeling my whole body shake in rage as sobs escaped my mouth. “You tore us apart, so you have to fix it now. Can you?”  _ I can’t live without you.  _

It doesn’t take long before he takes me in a deep hug and whispers into my shoulder apologize and promises, his soft blond hair caressing my cheeks like it did hundreds of times before. I finally breathe out, the burden on my shoulders disappearing when I finally realize that I can talk to someone about Cray. To feel bad and say why without thinking about the consequences. To cry with someone without questioning. To love someone because you can. To know that you are strong enough through every hard part of your life. Now  _ that _ is real love. 

I lean out the hug and kiss him hard on the lips, the taste of iron covering my own. His words die on my mouth and I can feel his open eyes shocked as a confused groan left his chest. It wasn’t surprising that he was baffled. We haven’t touched each other in longer than a month, since the day I visited him. But I yearned for him. My whole body missed him so much like the mother's daughter I am. 

It didn’t take long for our kiss to become heated. Desperate and messy as our tongues and saliva mixed together, overflowing in my mouth and dripping down my chin. The grip around his shoulder became tighter as I jumped into his lap, both my bent legs on each of his sides. Panting into each other, I feel Peeta's careful yet burning fingers on my hips. He made sure not to touch me inconvenient, like the last time on his bed. When all I thought of was Cray and that night. The voices, the feelings, the smell. But the only thing I smell now is him and it drives me crazy. The butterflies in my stomach overdosed as I moan into his ear for no other reason than his presence. To make sure that the flame didn’t die during our pause of breathing, I place my hands on the side of his head, careful so I don’t touch the bruise and lean him carefully to the left so I can place butterfly kisses on the side of his neck. Peeta groans back into my ear, and his hands around my hips became tighter when I start to bite in a specific place. 

Suddenly, I feel a bulge under me and I stop when it touches me where it has touched me once before. Peeta turns quiet, panting into my collarbone as I remember the amazing feeling in Peeta’s bed. And before I know it, my body rocks against him, yearning for the odd sensation that thrilled me in more ways that I could imagine. The hard bulge reached parts that flickered a light inside of me. A sudden whisper of my name together with a moan left Peeta's mouth, making my body shiver as a cold wind hit my body from behind.  _ It feels so good.  _

“P-Peeta…”, I whisper as we keep rocking against each other, my arms around his neck getting tighter just like his hand on my hips. A bruise would be there tomorrow, definitely. 

Before I know it, I place my hand right on him. We stop moving and look at each other, me with hungry eyes and him with confused ones. The urges were too strong to stop, and before I knew it, my hand are around him and he lets out a loud groan of either the cold wind hitting him or the softness of my hand. I lean down to kiss him once again as I keep pumping the hardness in my hand, and he keeps groaning almost painfully. He tells me that I don’t have to, but it doesn’t take long before I kiss my way down to his stomach and take him with my mouth instead, making him moan my name loudly as he drags his hands in my hair. 

“Fuck- Katniss-!” Hearing him swear is almost enough for me, and I feel like I’m filled with drugs when I know that I have the power to make him feel this good.  _ God, I love him so much. I love him so much. _

I look up to meet his eyes and it doesn’t take long before he spills into my mouth, swearing and whispering my name like a melody, and I swallow every part of him. 

  
  


**August 25**

_ I wasn’t planning on coming out of bed today, just like I haven’t in ten days. Even when Prim asks me if anything happened and mother asking me if something’s wrong, I don’t even open my mouth to answer.   _

_ Like a movie, everything that has happened during one month played in my head. Peeta’s soft kisses, Crays hand on my chest, warm blood on my face, the beautiful sky filled with stars, our low sobs while we carried the body for hours, the magic feeling Peeta created, his cries (“forgive me forgive me forgive”) and of course, the breakup.  _

_ While Prim tried to wake me up for school, I thought of Crays’ eyes and when mother tried to feed me, I thought of Peeta's hails. There was nothing I could do but to die peacefully.  _

_ It’s not until today when Prim comes into our room and tries to wake me up again.  _

_ “Katniss… I’m hungry…Mom’s out again…” Again? The last time she turned of was some months ago. Now she just like me but in her own bed.  _

_ The thought of my mother made me open my eyes, but not enough to move. I’ve turned into my mother. Weak and selfish. And for the first time in my life, I can relate to her in some way. How it was to lose father. To lose the love of my life.  _

_ But Peeta isn’t dead, and neither is Prim. She needs someone. She needs me, strong like I was before.  _

_ And there was no news about Cray either…  _

_ I sit up slowly and look at my sister. Prim looks at me shocked and nervous, just like she does when mother wakes up again. She already looks more mature than before, and I can’t help but feel like useless crap.  _

_ I’m really selfish… _

_ “I’ll cook something right no-” as I push myself off the bed, Prim interrupts me. _

_ “We’ve run out of meat.”  _

 

_ I won’t lie, I was a bit rusty. I had a hard time catching the animals and it wasn’t surprising when I have been almost dead for 10 days. But thinking about Prim at home starving made me behave myself, and I managed to catch a few squirrels. I also thought of Peeta, shooting the arrow through the poor animals head as I grinned to myself.  _ Suck on that Peeta…

_ In the green fresh forest, I already felt so much better. The stone in my stomach started to disappear and the thought of recovering from all of this seemed possible.  _

_ Walking back, I wanted to buy Prim something. Like a gift. An apology. _

_ I take the long way to the Hob so I could avoid seeing any Merchants. Blond hair wasn’t something I wanted to see in a while.  _

_ I sell a few of my squirrels and get extra for the fattest one. With a drop of happiness in me, I walk to Greasy Sae and ask for a bowl of stew. She serves it to me fast, and I enjoy the warm sensation of a filled stomach.  _

_ It felt so good to be alive like this. To feel the air hit your face in the woods, people brushing past you and the warm stew running down your throat. To think of today's game and what to buy Prim so I could see her happy again. I hope mother realized that more often… I hope Peeta isn’t at home worrying instead of living... Should I visit him? Should I tell him there is nothing to worry about?  _

_ Should I… fight for our relationship?  _

_ “Haven’t you heard?”, Greasy Sae suddenly said to someone behind me. I ate the stew with my mind gone in thought. “Rumors go that Peacekeeper Cray is dead!”  The spoon stopped midway to my mouth, just like my heart did. And that awful feeling of panic filled my body like fire was catching. As the bowl of soup slipped down my hand, I thought about how I never would experience a day of peace. “They found his body in the containers right when it was about to be- Katniss, sweetheart, are you alright?” _

  
  
  
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